I CAN MOONWALK!
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
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as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
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I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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