Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
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I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
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YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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