I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
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Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
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They took my balls.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
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