We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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