My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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