i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
only you would photoshop your dick
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I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
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Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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