We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
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I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
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Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
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