Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Randomize