just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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