Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
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Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
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What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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