i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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