I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize