I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
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It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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