Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
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i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
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Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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