At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Randomize
