well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
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If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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