from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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