Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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