my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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