after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
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Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
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