just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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