What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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