Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
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I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
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I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
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