It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
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you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
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Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
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