Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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