Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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