This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
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She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
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My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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