Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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