Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
