Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
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