Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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