you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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