I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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