just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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