lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize