he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
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I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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