No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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