stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
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He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
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Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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