How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
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i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
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Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
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