Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
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If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
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do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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