She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
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Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
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WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
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