Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
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I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
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I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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