She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
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Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
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A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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