I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
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You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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