god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
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He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
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Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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