I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
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Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
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I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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