News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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