My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I would ride that face into the sunset
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
