haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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