I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
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I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
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Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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